sara_nash

I wish I was unconscious..

Gentle vibrations of African rhythms echo in my spirit and shake it fiercely..

I love my African roots.. I love the Nile and lakes Victoria and Tana..

I love the Ethiopian Coffee ceremonies, the Sudanese communal solidarity..

But, that broad affiliation and affinity to East Africa doesn't mean I apply everything blindly simply because it's "part of my culture and tradition"..

If humankind had been this rigid and static, we would have never moved beyond the stone age.. If I were to "fully" uphold tradition and the archaic practices it brings, I would have been circumcised, delivered to a "Strong" male of my tribe at a very young age -and have all kinds of reproductive anomalies as a consequence, would not have been able to go to school, and the worst of all.. i would have a mob of family members follow me to my wedding night to check the "proof" of my purity and virginity on a white piece of cloth..

How did we move past those archaic practices? It's because one person here resisted, then another, then another, and a movement was built resisting each practice until it became merely a historical mention and no longer a common reality.. However, the movement -like that of acknowledging the apartheid in South Africa- had to go through phases, and throughout these phases, not everybody -and all stakeholders- were on the same page.. But gradually, and with patience and advocacy, the movement gained further alliances..

But, because of the dedicated resistance of a few, in spite of the opposing tides, the movement did not die until it eventually achieved its international goals..

I bring this up for something that may seem trivial, and the family may not recognize the significance of doing so.. I'm resisting the notion of being represented by a male when I sign my life contract..

I think the feminist movement would back me up in my desire to have a say in being there as the conditions of my everyday life are getting signed.. My mother was initially a supportive ally, but the men in my family are completely dismissive of the legitimacy of my desire to do so..

Firstly, there is no religious foundation to mandate me to be represented by a male - I think it comes back to the source that God is not oppressive..

Secondly, if there was, I wouldn't follow it anyway, because I think the Holy Spirit is far more profound and fair than that, and I would not fall into the patriarchal interpretations of men who call themselves "men of God"..

Thirdly, the two people signing this contract are the ones who have to live it everyday of their life.. Why sould a third party who would not be even remotely influenced by this claim to have the same leverage and authority, simply by virtue of having a Y chromosome..

Do I have male representatives to sign my decisions in other aspects of my life on my behalf? No..
So, why are things different when it comes to my marriage.. and I emphasize "my" marriage..

I never looked up to my uncles or even mother for that matter, in the way they ran their households.. I always disagreed with the gender roles, disagreed with the way different siblings were treated differently under no basis other than their genders..

They should know me enough to know I won't sit passively and let this big mistake go by unchallenged..
What kind of a statement am I making for the rest of my life to myself and my daughter, if I let this patriarchal move be part of my foundation, and then pretend I can comfortably rally with feminist organizers asking for equality..

I'm not given a favor, I'm given my right.. Even though I do acknowledge that it is absurd that I need to demand what should lawfully and naturally be mine.. Be it under religion and under the Universal Declaration of Human Rights to which both Canada and Sudan ascribe..

If my womanhood is what is hindering their ability to acknowledge me as a whole person, and disguise that with notions such as "you're like our daughter and we want to protect you", then I say thank you.. I neither want to be your daughter if that's what it entails nor do I seek protection from gaining my rights.. that's just silly..

I choose my dignity, and if I fail to get it through you, then I will by any other means necessary!



The society moves forward because of the resistance of its members to oppressive practices, not because a magical legislation materialized in the House of commons or parliamentary meetings.. The societal advancements start from the bottom-up.. And I want to be one of the ones that push that positive change through basic examples in my own life, I do not want to live as a hypocrite or a passive taker of these rules..

I wish to be the change I want to see in the world...

Despite the basal level of drama with family regarding the wedding again (nothing above baseline really), I think today was a really wonderful day.. And I'm realizing that I'm needing the 'blogging' therapy to go through these days.. or I'm simply missing the blog..

I signed the IP agreement with Annual Reviews today.. It was the first time I felt that frenzy as a scientist and it was a heavenly orgasm! I'm really looking forward to future publications now.. The patent/IP agreement was surprisingly more progressive and in line with "open access" policy rather than exclusivity of distribution or profitability under the purview of protecting the author(s).. which actually warms my heart a little and restores a little bit of my faith in the potential objectivity of publicly-funded science..

After a relatively short day at the lab, the Social Justice Committee had the privilege of inviting "Evans Rubera"; a mining activist and journalist from Tanzania's Ministry of Natural Resources. Evan was one of the most articulate activists I have ever met, and gave a wonderful presentation on the legal hurdles in prosecuting mining corporations who commit daily human rights atrocities- the latest being the burial of 70 live mining workers in Tanzania, the consistent pollution of lake Victoria by nuclear (Uranium) waste from the mining activities of Barrick Gold in the region and the conversion of fertile land to bio-fuel farms, which subsequently led to the displacement of at least 400,000 East Africans and a complete loss of their livelihood and self-sufficiency of their rural economy, when they used to be egalitarian independent and internationally competitive economies. The presenter also proceeded to explain the shift in regulations in the 90's that actually permitted multi-national corporations to imperially invade the region, bribe officials and exploit the mining resources, and tying that to even local pension investments at places like UofT!

The issue of UofT is an interesting one, since it is ironically used as a facade of "higher learning" to give a sense of legitimacy to these operations, not only in Africa but even indigenously- the latest being the attempt to dump a land-fill in one of the purest water resources in the world; Site 41 this summer and the KI6 last year who were imprisoned for protesting mining operations on their land (which are violations of treaty rights to begin with).. I also met a reporter from Chilli -who I happened to have met previously on a similar presentation at a Social Justice night in my first year of graduate school (Christian) who is a traveling photographer and filmmaker documenting these atrocities in Canada and abroad.. The main advocacy step now is to mobilize Canadian citizens to support the private members' bill (C-300) by liberal MP John McKay, which deals specifically with instating legal regulations to prevent similar atrocities from being left legally unchallenged when they evade Human Rights regulations as well as international measures of corporate and environmental responsibility:

http://www2.parl.gc.ca/HousePublications/Publication.aspx?DocId=3658424&Language=e&Mode=1&File=24#1



The two events were positive hi-lites that I needed to balance other negativities in my reality right now, and they gave me a positive boast before meeting Gussai later in the evening- which, needless to say, made me utterly happy..

Now that it's way past bedtime and I still have plenty work to do, I think it's wise to accept what God brought my way today and sleep till the sun rises :-)

The cruelest way to blackmail an orphan is to tell them "you have to do this, cuz this is what would've happened had your father been alive"..

Exploiting death this way is a major disrespect to the diseased..

God rest your soul father.. It's been 12 years and I still haven't developed the immunity to this obnoxious process yet..

About 4 years ago, I drafted a proposal to apply to the Department of Immunology at UofT and the Department of Interdisciplinary Oncology at UBC.. My proposal hi-lited my main interests in immunotherapy to cancers (including cytokine therapies and adoptive anti-tumor activated T cells) and/or hematopoietic malignancies, aka leukemias..

My wish was granted and I had my admission to UofT and a conditional acceptance to UBC upon gaining external funding. I was placed on the top 2% of applicants, so I did not even require an interview to start the program at UofT, in spite of my immigration status. I accepted the UofT offer and started a new life in Toronto, in spite of familial resistance.. My journey has been shaky with a dead-end project investigating a specific stage in murine T-cell development to gain insight into how dysregulation of these normal pathways can lead to leukemia.. The frustration was compounded by my developing interest in other aspects of health-care, such as the OHIP campaign, trying to slowly move into the public health program and learning about the possibility of fighting for Universal health care in East Africa..

Needless to say, my focus got completely scattered, which overshadowed the actual goals I had for myself when I first joined the program. A PhD is not necessarily the stage where I'm expected to come up with a serendipitous discovery to revolutionize science, especially after the demoralizing lecture given to me by my pharmacology professor who asked me to "tone down" my expectations of graduate school. Come to think of it, I have never been so focused on getting into any academic stage of my life the way I was heavily focused on getting into cancer research during the last year of my undergraduate school when I decided to abandon the idea of medical school. So, why not regain that interest with the new "realistic" perspective I developed while going through the experience..

Now, I have already allowed my other interests to occupy a significant part of my mental energy and time. And I'm glad and grateful that I have gone through the amazing learning experience and got that out of my system. I think it's worth taking a step back closer to the end of my PhD to really think about where I'd be most passionate and successful, because it's definitely not life-long bench science. Having said that, my heart is actually regaining part of its passion to immunotherapy, and I'm starting to revitalize some of what I used to have when I first drafted my proposal 4 years ago..





Today, I'm spending the evening learning about oncolytic viral therapy to solid tumors in conjunction with classical adoptive transfer of tumor activated T cells- as my out of thesis research topic for the "Immunology Tonight" series. The concept was introduced in the somewhat underwheling movie "I am Legend" in the use of viruses to cure cancer.. "Nerdily" enough, I'm really enjoying it, and frankly missing studying science after I detached myself from the new scientific literature the past few months when I have been going through the wedding frenzy.. Although a critical milestone in my life that deserves to have that energy devoted, I'm really glad that I can take a step back and re-evaluate where my brain has been the last few weeks/months. I have made some significant progress on the second data chapter of my thesis, which actually deals with leukemogenic pathways in T-ALL (thymic acute lymphoblastic leukemias), fixed my relationship with my supervisor and defined the final steps in my last project. I spent a lot of my time thinking about the marriage and the Day of Action, but it's worth acknowledging that I did not completely dismiss my scientific career.

Before I dismiss my 8 years of scientific training, I think it's worth defining what level of knowledge I aim to gain in the last couple of years in my program, my future direction and how to marry the two. My heart seems set on doing a part-time professional degree in Public Health or Global Health Policy in either McMaster or Guelph once I finish, but that would be contingent on what employment opportunities I may or may not have upon graduation. It's too early to finalize that, but I have a semi-defined path..

As of now, I need to get back to my oncolytic viruses... and revisit this a few months down the road with my (husband).. :-)

My section in the following publication is the one dealing with structure and function of Notch signaling.. The initial version summarized all the recent hurdles and discoveries in T-ALL therapy regiments, but that was cut out of the final draft -which upsets me a little- but it doesn't hurt to have my name as a third author in the highest impact reviews journal in the field:

http://arjournals.annualreviews.org/doi/abs/10.1146/annurev.immunol.021908.132719

People's inability to be happy for me should not deter me from being happy..
They're the ones with the internal precipitation of conflicts in need of a resolution..
Me, my happiness is not contingent on others, only Gussai.. but he's not an other, for we are mutual segments of one another..

As for those who claim to be friends and stab me behind my back, you can't contaminate my happiness..

Sometimes, I find writing to be the best way to understand my thought process..

My soul's perturbations today have been slightly more immense than usual.. Admittedly, I feel torn between superficial images of a conventional bride, and a profound philosophical foundation that I developed over the years against the detrimental materialistic frames of weddings that we see around us..

Had this perturbation happened two weeks ago, I would have easily and obviously chosen the latter choice of being loyal to my spiritual and political foundations.. Nonetheless, after having a taste of how that resistance may look like beyond abstract contemplations, I started fearing -and doubting- my beliefs and my desire to implement them despite the fierce tides of opposition..

Now this can be broken down to several things..
1- What do I want?
My objective first and foremost is to spend the rest of my life with Gussai, and not only "get together" with him, for this one night that the society names "wedding".. The wedding is a superficial permit to allow me the entrance into that intricate relationship, but it's not the objective.. The objective is Gussai..
Then I should keep that perspective, and understand how trivial and actually -wrong- conformity to traditional/conventional marriage procedures taking place can be..

2- Ideally, how do I want to get married and why?
Ideally, if two people decide that unison is their goals, they should not subscribe to any "nonsensical" procedures, the only procedure needed is a 'declaration' of the unison, which transformed over the years to this complex materialistic ceremony of 'weddings'.. I want a get together to declare our unison, but I do not care for an extravagant wedding.. I actually genuinely believe that the more extravagant it is, the less it is about "us" and the more it is about trying to impress society, when I don't even believe in appeasing it in the first place.. If I choose to conform now, then I might as well expect that hypocrisy has tanted this foundational step in my unison with Gussai, and hence, I should not be surprised should honesty starts fading away from our relationship if I choose to please society over our spiritualities, and I would rather not live at all than live in hypocrisy..

3- What framework is governing those seemingly "radical" beliefs?
The leftist in me may have rejected the institution of marriage altogether previously.. I departed my sincere loyalty to the "left" as I realized in my last few years that many who subscribe to the "leftist" culture of appreciating the public good before the personal good often do not practice what they preach..

I may not be the 'marxist' i was trying to be the last 4 years of my life, but that's not because I stopped caring for the public good, but rather because the marxists I knew were dishonest to themselves..

So, why am I finding it hard to be honest with myself now?

I love Gussai, and I don't want to recreate the societal image that I despised in my own marriage, creating the same feelings of animosity and elitism I claimed to fight against..

Then why is this confusing?

Today was a long day and I was definitely anticipating a heat stroke.. your voice came echoing from the Southern part of the continent like African percussions to which my soul danced..
It came hydrating the thirsty cells of my existence.. The heat wave came as a painful reminder that my inner thermostat was only capable of sensing the heat of my surroundings in your absence, for your presence sustained my homeostatic bout of warmth.. I battled my yearning as senseless distances separated us.. In a world with no borders, I would have been your companion on the journey.. However, I'm glad that our spirits are not confined by those man-made boundaries.. For they have been in unison in spite of the physical separation..

You are God's testimony on Mother Earth that Eden is real..

Frankly, I think I need to bleed my inner earthquakes on this blog before I implode like the World Trade Centre..
I never understood what my mom meant when she said that companionship was a 24/7 job.. My senses are all meditating to feel his presence near me, every single second..

Oh yes, I got engaged.. and I have not a single second thought about this wonderful man, Gussai..

Last night, the skies above Toronto were upset as I was commuting down to Scarborough.. I envied the clouds for their boundless ability to express their anger, so passionately, as I failed to reflect my own yearning coherently..

It's a crave that conquers the entire body, my finger tips trembling waiting to touch him, my hair longs for his finger tips, my eyes long for his gaze, my lips for his skin, my arms for his shoulders..

He completes me.. and I love him..

Bawa..

It's Friday the 7th.. Exactly, one month after we accidentally exposed our inner vulnerabilities to each other. I think that the exposure we had carried profound beauty, as we exchanged what we both knew and understood but feared revealing.. It is the nudity of our souls in that particular moment that confirmed our boundless desire to purify and share our most intimate thoughts and sensations..

Today, the moon finished another revolution.. He is a full circle, as he stares from the skies at our vulnerabilities.. He sheds his silver halo once more, crowning a full cycle, since the last time he shared with us our first revelation.. He will always be our companion at the peak of every cycle, as he is now overseeing our families celebrating our unison this day.

The 'full moon' symbol carries a particular significance in our bond, not only because the first two milestones were crowned by his presence.. But, I have been feeling whole since your path crossed mine, mirroring his completeness, not only when you're with me complementing my imperfections, but even when I'm in solitude, for you purified my soul and re-planted my once lost sense of self that I could finally realize that the moon was always full, I was just looking at it through its darkest angle..

Now, you taught me to look from the bright angle, and hope his shades embrace our bond till the day he collapses for another divine source of illumination.. Now, his illumination will start fading by the day as if mourning your departure, only for you to return to rescue him, and bring joy and enlightenment, not just for me but for all earthlings inhabiting mother Earth..

p.s. A friend once told me:"You can look at a cube and describe one of its sides perfectly, you're still not describing the full cube.. I think we agree, except that I look at the cube from this angle and you look at it from that one".. No words can describe the new angle you introduced, life now finally makes sense..

Thank you..

Fate

You blazed like a candle light
As the world closed its curtains
on the stage theaters of happiness
like the ageless emancipation
of the souls beneath the pyramids
To the gardens of Babylon,
you emerged

Fate

Like a magnet swaying
the lost compasses of our souls
away from the frozen poles
of mother earth
to the awaited prophecy,
You blessed our journeys
as we slid through the
maps of uncertainty
from the poles
to climax
at the equator

Fate

You wed the cocoa of his skin
to my Ethiopian Sidamo
Guiding our souls to dance
in your coffee shop
to the percussions of Africa
The root of Nina Simone
and Haile Sellassie
as the droplets of Vicotria lake
accumulated in his beautiful eyes
sinking as they kiss the
tranquility of my inner oceans
You shook me deeply

Beautiful fate
Lending a limitless supply
of sand in the hour glass
as time froze,
our molten cores exploded
and Taj Mahal collapsed
Now the disciples bow
announcing the prophecy,
Announcing our fate:
our reunion

Fate, it's been too long..
But you're here

So, the volcanoes that have been erupting for the last few weeks are asking me to take a deep breath and internalize this big milestone..

The final exhale arrived at the strangest stage point of converging frustrations.. It came as if we were suffering the withdrawal symptoms, as we depart out of our previous lives, gradually egressing to a new divine stage. I thought that I cluttered my history pages with unfinished stories, and that I would feel the need to sign the concluding remarks to each of these chapters..

But I burnt the history book altogether.. The divine amnesia that was bestowed upon me is easing me into a much needed 'new beginning'.. I now know that my healing journey is reaching its final stage.. So I unmasked my body and mind out of hypocritical symbols, and cleansed my soul out of the final remnants of grudge.. Today, I'm delivered into my new life, as if Mother Afrika conceived me in her uterus for the first time.. We stream like the white and blue to converge at the climax of our yearning.. We now migrate as a unified stream, through dams and valleys.. Streaming, not only together, but within one another.. We will still pour together into the Mediterranean..

We flow through bodies of water, that once bared undelivered promises.. This prophecy is the promise..
What took you so long, Blue Nile?

Your presence..
Translucent like the
silver shades of a yawning moon
as my senses revolve
with your dark side
and my womb beats
with your lunar cycles

I hear the echo of you
in my uterine tubes
sweet like the first
murmurs of an unborn
African prince

I crave the Safari
of your finger tips
on the skin
that has become our
battlefield

Let the fragrance
of lemon trees
crown our unison

Let your eden
extinguish
my desire

Let your sand
mingle with
the ashes
of my burnt soul

How your presence
trickled beneath my ribs
and pulled my arteries to
The Atlantic ocean
and my veins to
the Northern Constellations

The bewilderment you planted
got me holding
the Manifesto in my right hand
and the Wealth of the Nations
in the left

It got me counting
the fish in the dead sea
and the clouds
in the twilight

It got me counting the seconds
till the day I kiss you

i just spent one of the best nights in my life.. Between cramming for my dreaded committee meeting and CFS coalitions.. and my mom's visit.. But most importantly, spending time with Gussai on the way back.. I feel really serene and happy, and my soul is content..

Last night was nothing but a confirmation that I loved Gussai.. I'm glad I can depart now with the full realization that I am making the right decision..

Practical Action

Diaspora

My mind is shackled in a state
of Schizoid Paranoia
I taste the scent of your
Nile washed sand grains
And feel the melody
Of your intermittent poems
That sailed to unite
and land at the museum of our
Pine souls

Diaspora

I knew mother Africa
Birthed you
As the fringe of your face
Migrated southward
Converging at the
Capetown of your chin
And when my heart
Shattered like an archipelago
Of Caribbean islands
Awaiting the arrival
Of our grand ancestors
Like bottled letters
Thrown in the Atlantic
Harvested like ripe fruits
From our mother kingdoms
To find and found the insincere
Civilization for the Massa’s

Diaspora

I wish to smell the sweet taste
Of your ska rhymes
And have the Universe
Revolve around my waste
As we paint our faces
In the dust of the Sub-Saharan
That our grandpa’s carried
From Ghana..
I wish to dive with you
In the Bermuda Triangle
And be blown by our
Katrina, and land with you
At the bottom of the pyramids
It is here our ‘diaspra’s’ converge
It is here we chant
The Black anthem
And parade with a rally of
Civil rights fighters
With Mandela’s, Obama’s and Malcolms
It is here I free your soul
At the tip of the pyramid
And float with you
To a place where we embrace
The motherland and her daughters
Africa and the Caribbean islands

Diaspora

So, I haven't written anything in here in a while.. Mostly out of laziness, but also out of fear of exposing the silly insecurities that were occupying my subconscious mind and manifesting only somatically - in forms such as gastric ulcers..

My health, both mental and physical, has been very unstable for a while, until recently.. I'm starting to feel on track with respect to work, with respect to my activism and my hobbies.. Which is making life a lot more enjoyable.. Chris Klinger is right, I have a better appreciation of my priorities and limitations- even if I had to learn that the hard way..

The last few weeks were absolutely amazing.. I had some really memorable events.. The SSAT boat cruise, the Ottawa trip and National CFS meeting, the Rustbelt poetry slam finale, and on a more geeky note, FINALLY submitting the Annual Reviews in Immunology section that I have been wanting to happen for over a year now, and meeting Tom Taghon and realizing that some dreams are not as far fetched as I think they are..

I think that despite my frustrations in my research career and my over-indulgence in community activism, I do really want to stay in academia -after I take a few years break!- and I do want to gear my research towards social justice causes..

The global health course opened my eyes to new possibilities that do not necessarily entail optimizing boring PCR and western blotting reactions.. I do believe that research in those academic power houses is extremely under-utilized in bringing change and influencing policies at the broader societal level..

Some things in my life are on hold until I finish this new GSU term and my academia, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.. This is probably the only time in my life that I will have the flexibility to move this far before I'm slowed down with other familial obligations, that I do not find attractive AT ALL!



I met a few amazing poets at the poetry slam finale last weekend, and it really fueled my inspiration to keep writing, to keep trying and to not give up on my dreams even if at times nothing seems to be worthy of our frustrations..

The rewards are in the journey, in the fight and in the persistence to reach the euphoric peak of victory..

I'll be performing at the Soul train on Tuesday!

I have been avoiding this rant for a while now.. But it's time that I face myself and face my insecurities following the few stress peaks I went through this term..

I got cold feet today, and that prevented me from commuting to the 'Practical Solutions in Sudan' meeting that I have actually been looking forward to since the last time I went with Azza E. I think I have a legitimate fear of meeting men that are actual "potentials" for long term companionship..

The last few months of my life have been packed with strange events, and perhaps the series of lessons and epiphanies my mind underwent through these events has prevented me from having a frank reflection of what all of this ultimately means..

My irrational workload did a great job at eclipsing all other human feelings I was to experience, which for a while was more of a blessing than a curse, until I got stressed to the point of ending up at the ER room out of sharp chest pain that has absolutely no traces of any physical causes, and later vomiting my stress out all night.. just a few examples of the clear deterioration of my health ever since I allowed workaholism to colonize my rationale..

Now that I slowly emerged out of that after reorganizing my priorities, I realize that my other "human" feelings are what is actually eclipsing my ability to concentrate..

Megan quit the GSU after realizing that she was not happy.. and out of consolation, I said I hated my degree too and wished I could be a full time activist.
Come to think of it, I don't.. And I detest the hypocrisy in the 'activist' scene and the unrealistic demands it imposes on someone's life that there is no longer a life to fight for..
I'm here for a reason.. And the activism I need is ensuring that I stay on my feet and stick it through this very precious opportunity that God blessed me with, so I can get on to the real world with credentials that I earned every bit of.. Despite all the late nights running at 1 am trying to catch the last train to Scarborough and despite all the frustrated tears I shed trying to get by on a day by day basis, I'm finally happy.. I'm finally satisfied, and I know that I have a clear purpose and a destination.. The women's public health course was a sign that I want to join the WHO, I think that's the path that makes clearest sense to me right now.. which reminds me, we FINALLY had the victory of retrieving the UHIP contract between the Council of Ontario Universities and Mercer, the late meetings and extended strategy discussions FINALLY paid off!

On a completely different note, I have been running away from my femininity and from my natural desires to be held and loved by a man -I'm done with the possibility of being with a woman, too much risk and drama-.. I'm tired of fighting the natural order of things.. I'm no longer living fantasies of the perfect significant other, since come to think of it, everytime I thought I was close to that, I ended up burning worse than the time before..



I received a strange phone call from an old "friend" in Sudan a few weeks ago, right before my cousin's wedding (2 drama milestones in 1).. The "old friend" confessed the persistence of archaic feelings he held for me since I was in high school -mind you, he's married with a kid on the way now-.. I promised to call back but I never did and never will, my feelings are already dead and long gone.. I changed so much that the possibility is no longer a logical one - and I sincerely can not say that it ever was..

But what now? I can not keep shielding beneath excuses of "too much work" anymore.. I'm irritated at the nice weather that reminds me of where I was around this time last year.. It may explain my sharp chest pain today.. I missed out on meeting "him" because I wasn't sure I wanted to go through this again, but I feel that I will soon lose my opportunity altogether.. I wonder if I would be relieved or disappointed -again- then.. The "Practical Solution" is that I saw everything I wanted but feared reaching out to it, because I did not want to contaminate the perfect fantasy I built of this person.. Reality has been harsh and I fear transforming my celestial thoughts to practical ones..

I'm victimizing myself to the imperial power of irrational fear.. I need to psych myself out of that victimization mentality and learn to embrace the blessings in my life..

On a side note, performing at the Train lounge is amazing, I asked the band to play last time I went on stage and it felt surreal.. I should not let the mind eclipse the soul for that long again..

For after all, my soul is on the verge of a revolution..

I was floating on the husky
vibrations of Al-Tamtam's vocal chords
A pure simplicity my heart
craved to the new heights of sickness
My heart is ill with desire
and my skin quivers
with a melodious yearning
to you..

I cursed the diaspora
When my eyes traced the veins on your forehead
Your face was the Kingdom of Tush
And your cheekbones were my Nubian mountains
You awakened my anesthetized soul
and my cadaverous thoughts and sensations
That I allowed my migration up here
to mummify beneath the pyramids
of an illusionary happiness

When do I wrap my tired figure
with a glittering 'toub'
and my feet in the Hinnah
that once grew in my Grandma's Jenaina
with the rims of its leaves
crimson with life; and genuine purity
Like the colorful life I finally traced
in the contrast of your
white Jelabiya and hazel skin

You are the Nile,
the fusion of all celestial
and all excruciatingly painful
What brings you to the desert
I grew to tolerate with no oasis?
Why oxygenate my intoxicated arteries?
Why let the rays of dawn
disturb my hibernation
and remind me:
I am Sudanese,
and for you, my Sudan
I relinquish my awakened spirit..
As I arrive at the last station
in my long odyssey to happiness..
You..